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it's like I have ESPN or something
30 March 2010 @ 01:35 am
Let’s see, the moment that turned my life around… I guess I’ll run the risk of sounding extremely sappy but honestly I can’t think of anything else except when I for reals fell in love.
When I was fifteen, I was asked to define love in some stupid online xanga survey. I wrote, “When you can't stand to be away from them and you can't think of anything better that being with them. And every time you're with them, you feel like you're the only two people on earth” . I used to hate love. And I was afraid. I was afraid that I wouldn’t find that guy who isn’t shy to tell the entire world how happy he is to be with me, nor is ashamed of showing that he really cares for me. I would think back on all the guys I thought was him or wished was him and my heart suddenly felt like it was made of ice. Cold, fragile and motionless. I would ask myself: Do I continue loving (air quotes when saying ‘loving’) and losing until I finally am happy? Or do I just stop my search and settle for mediocrity? I figured one way I’d end up in pain that I anticipated. On the other I’d be risking discouragement and being blinded by the need and want for a companion. I wondered how so many others have it so easy.
Then I was on MySpace in March 09, just looking through mutual friends. I saw this guy with the long hair and rock flair and clicked “add as friend.” I thought what the hay? He’s cute, looks interesting, and if he fucks me over, he’ll just be another asshole. We got to know each other and I was feeling rather risky so I accepted his offer to be his girlfriend almost immediately. Things were pretty good. We fell for each other quickly. But the moment that turned my life around was when I officially KNEW I really love him. One day I flipped out, punched my laptop, trashed my room, and raged for no reason. I told him about it and he said that he was going to make it better. I went over to his house and we sat outside. He asked me what happened and I just SPILLED. I must’ve been talking for 20 minutes. I told him about my fears, my uncertainties, my struggles at home, everything that was suffocating me. I cried and trembled and was so terrified he was going to freak out, but then I looked at him. He was listening. No judgment, no bugging out, no indifference to my feelings. Just really listening and understanding. He didn’t psychoanalyze, or tell me it was going to be all right. He just held me and it hit me. I never had that before. No one ever listened to me. No one ever cared. But this guy did and he still does. I know, it sounds so simple, but it was like a truck had hit me when I realized right at that moment that this guy deserved my heart and my love.
Dude, Dave changed my life. I used to never smile or be motivated. Now look at me. I cheese so damn much my lips might crack. I’m glad hardly anyone knows the old me cuz this is definitely the better Tina.
 
 
it's like I have ESPN or something
25 March 2010 @ 01:34 pm
ooooootay!

lalalalalala.


I'M BORED. I should be getting ready to go drop paperwork off at my job.
But.


LLALALALALALA I LOVE MY PENGUINS.
 
 
it's like I have ESPN or something
16 March 2010 @ 05:07 pm
i wish i hadn't lost everything
now i feel like all the pieces that defined me are gone.
so what am i now?

i'm so angry.
 
 
it's like I have ESPN or something
09 March 2010 @ 08:16 am
so i was going to post something
but i forgot
this happens too often.
 
 
it's like I have ESPN or something
27 February 2010 @ 10:59 am
ive become so unmotivated lately. i havent gone to work in 3 days because i dont feel like making that almost two hour commute anymore. ugh. i know i'm fucking myself over by doing that because this job depends on the hours i work with each kid. i'm supposed to do 30 hours, then be done. my not going = no hours. but i don't wanna go!

and i'm also ridiculously excited.

cuz


I'M GETTING MARRIED.
WTF I KNOW I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.


<3
 
 
 
it's like I have ESPN or something
10 February 2010 @ 10:34 am
this snow is making me lazy
it's also making me sad because of the possibility of my combat boots not coming in.
sad.
meh.


blah.
 
 
it's like I have ESPN or something
26 December 2009 @ 02:07 am
SO fucking happy!!!!
i didn't get many presents:
a perfume from my mom. the bottle is shaped like a GIANT diamond! its so classy!! =)
two adorable penguins (from dave. he wrote D on the boy and T on the girl <3 so cute.)
a grey hoodie with kitty ears and a tail (from dave!)
A LIVING DEAD DOLL!!! ALWAYS WANTED ONE!!! (from dave, of course)
HUGE makeup set (from dave's mom & sisters)
awesomely warm and soft socks (i actually enjoyed getting socks for christmas! from dave's aunt)
old navy giftcard (again, dave's aunt)

but just being with david was the best. we just hung out in his room for most of the night, ate amazing food, and he loved the presents i gave him.

i got him kick ass skullcandy headphones, an orange ipod nano, and a 3 pack of transformers (decepticons!! megatron, the fallen, and soundwave). we spent time listening to music, cuddling, and playing with his transformers.
but being with him was just the best. best christmas ever!! i'm sooo fucking in love its insane. aaahhh!!!!

now i want plans and shit for the rest of my break. i've got band stuff going on. SO excited we're covering Creep!!!

come on charlotte!! lets do things!
 
 
it's like I have ESPN or something
17 December 2009 @ 04:07 pm
je t'adore, david hernandez.
so, um, keep your fingers crossed. the boy practically proposed to me the other day. nothing official but holy fucking shit my search is OVER. <3 yay.


and i know someone will definitely agree with this statement. i'm actually saying this more for this person than anyone else:
it sucks when you want to put something out on paper or in a journal or in a blog but you cant because its never 100% private and someone can and will eventually read it so you're left with having this information or these thoughts in the recesses of your mind and its annoying to have it locked up in there but you cant really let it out for your own sake.

thank heavens for good friends with mouths sewn shut who will never, ever break your trust and will carry your secret and your bond to the grave. =]
 
 
it's like I have ESPN or something
20 November 2009 @ 11:20 am
ive begun writing again. i got inspired by the poem [previous post] and a lecture i heard in my psychology of women class about domestic violence.
i havent been able to talk about my experience with domestic violence until recently. its painful, but i learned that writing it in poem form or any form is helps the narrative come out better. this way i dont have to talk to a therapist about it, though many times i've considered doing so, but i can freely express it.
its all in a notebook, the next step will be posting it here.

sometimes i literally feel like someone took a needle and thread and sewed my mouth shut. i felt like i needed to say that. i guess that someone was me, because i'm comfortable in silence.

i keep feeling these random dips in my emotions and they take a physical turn. like last night, i was reminded of the awful incident between my boyfriend and i and all my body turned cold and i was shivering violently. then i turned boiling hot. then i puked. wtf.

weird entry is weird.
 
 
it's like I have ESPN or something
23 October 2009 @ 12:00 am
"without consent"
I often wondered why rape
affects us so much
why it rots our insides
making us less than human
until we are standing
on nothing more than the
promise that
time heals all wounds
We women are more than human
We take ribs
and clone them into children
We have ovaries that perform
modern day alchemy
gold is simply not of much use these days
so this womb
opted to be a home
for future babies
and to men
seeking wetness in the form of something
other
than
tears
to my tenants
i was temporary shelter
never meant to last more than
a few hours on cold nights
or nine months while limbs developed
but he
fucked me something permanent
just like a thief
he burglarized this home
entered through locked doors
he was not welcomed here
the space between these walls
are unsafe
my property has been redlined by blood trickling down thighs
my value is shot to hell
i might as well be worthless
my sexuality meant nothing
and that is why it hurts
because
we are taught
as little girls
that our chastity is precious
virginity is close to sainthood
and to guard it with our life
but we chose
to engage in relations
with men who have forgotten what innocence feels like
we renounce our sainthood
for their piece of mind
and he now walks
with shoulder blades prominent
cause he stripped me of my wings
and now carries them on his back
he was never meant to fuck angels
i never gave him that right
he wanted to be closer to God
used me to ascend to the heavens
leapt from the cliff of humanity
and was resurrected a monster
there are no ghost stories about this kind of sin
no boogeymen equivalent for him
my body became the source of my fear
four limbs
torso
spine
could not save me
what kind of redemption does God hold
for rapists and their victims?
and though a part of me died that day
there are no obituaries for the death of angels
no convictions for the theft of wings
there's no justice it seems
perhaps she was raped too
chose blindness to escape her own reflection
she only saw him
so we women
are affected by rape
because whatever doesn't kill you
sometimes makes you wish it had
just to see
if our tainted and broken souls
will still be allowed into heaven
though we can no longer fly.