| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2009|11:20 am] |
ive begun writing again. i got inspired by the poem [previous post] and a lecture i heard in my psychology of women class about domestic violence.
i havent been able to talk about my experience with domestic violence until recently. its painful, but i learned that writing it in poem form or any form is helps the narrative come out better. this way i dont have to talk to a therapist about it, though many times i've considered doing so, but i can freely express it.
its all in a notebook, the next step will be posting it here.
sometimes i literally feel like someone took a needle and thread and sewed my mouth shut. i felt like i needed to say that. i guess that someone was me, because i'm comfortable in silence.
i keep feeling these random dips in my emotions and they take a physical turn. like last night, i was reminded of the awful incident between my boyfriend and i and all my body turned cold and i was shivering violently. then i turned boiling hot. then i puked. wtf.
weird entry is weird. |
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| my friend mayte wrote this |
[Oct. 23rd, 2009|12:00 am] |
"without consent"
I often wondered why rape
affects us so much
why it rots our insides
making us less than human
until we are standing
on nothing more than the
promise that
time heals all wounds
We women are more than human
We take ribs
and clone them into children
We have ovaries that perform
modern day alchemy
gold is simply not of much use these days
so this womb
opted to be a home
for future babies
and to men
seeking wetness in the form of something
other
than
tears
to my tenants
i was temporary shelter
never meant to last more than
a few hours on cold nights
or nine months while limbs developed
but he
fucked me something permanent
just like a thief
he burglarized this home
entered through locked doors
he was not welcomed here
the space between these walls
are unsafe
my property has been redlined by blood trickling down thighs
my value is shot to hell
i might as well be worthless
my sexuality meant nothing
and that is why it hurts
because
we are taught
as little girls
that our chastity is precious
virginity is close to sainthood
and to guard it with our life
but we chose
to engage in relations
with men who have forgotten what innocence feels like
we renounce our sainthood
for their piece of mind
and he now walks
with shoulder blades prominent
cause he stripped me of my wings
and now carries them on his back
he was never meant to fuck angels
i never gave him that right
he wanted to be closer to God
used me to ascend to the heavens
leapt from the cliff of humanity
and was resurrected a monster
there are no ghost stories about this kind of sin
no boogeymen equivalent for him
my body became the source of my fear
four limbs
torso
spine
could not save me
what kind of redemption does God hold
for rapists and their victims?
and though a part of me died that day
there are no obituaries for the death of angels
no convictions for the theft of wings
there's no justice it seems
perhaps she was raped too
chose blindness to escape her own reflection
she only saw him
so we women
are affected by rape
because whatever doesn't kill you
sometimes makes you wish it had
just to see
if our tainted and broken souls
will still be allowed into heaven
though we can no longer fly. |
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| midterm...almost |
[Oct. 4th, 2009|03:11 pm] |
life is great and amazing right now and i'm so effing happy i could explode.
david and i are great. last wednesday we celebrated our sixth month-aversary and it was just sweet. we went to riverside park and sat on the ledge near the water and watched the sunset. it was freezing and i could barely walk, but it was worth it. i baked him cupcakes and made him "empanadillas" which are fried pastries filled with meat. pastry isn't the right word, because they're not sweet. so...fried things filled with meat. yeah, that's about right. he was ecstatic about the food and ate almost all the cupcakes. he gave me one of his button down shirts (he gave me the one I love on him) and he wrote me a love letter.
oh my god.
rememeber my post a bit ago about what i want my bf to do and stuff? love letter was on that list...and he wrote me one. i cried before i read it, composed myself, read it, and bawled at the end. he unguarded himself and allowed his feelings to rush out. he's still afraid i will hurt him, but this was just fucking amazing.
( the letter )
AAAHHHHH!!!!!
later that night he sent me an IM before he went to bed:
mylove: i'm not sure as to what to say, except that today (yesterday) was the best day of the year. i'm hoping for more. i'm sure we'll have better. we've nowhere to go but up.
squee.
so since wednesday we've been in bliss and i have no doubts anymore, nor am i crying myself to sleep thinking that i'm worthless. other aspects of my life have brightened as well. i got a job! i'll be working a seasonal position at toys r us in times square, but i'm pretty sure i'll make it to a permanent position (i was the only person to get hired on the spot).
also, i FINALLY got a lead role in a show!!!!! I'll be playing Raina (which btw is a purdyful name) in george bernard shaw's "arms and the man". december 2, 3, and four and I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! helena bonham carter played that same part when she was acting for bbc in 1989. it was fate.
school's going pretty well. my classes are easy and i'm doing well...i hope, ahaha. my grades should be fine. all i'm taking are electives so yeah. countdown to graduation...a lot of days, heh. may 2010!
see? life is amazing. everything's in place =) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2009|02:29 pm] |
why hasn't natalia been posting?
i miss her =( |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2009|12:23 am] |
the storms on its way out
we're happy and perfect again!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|03:33 pm] |
i havent posted because i want to forget some things that have happened between me and david
just focusing on the present. we will work things out and be even better.
i know this. i just hope he realizes it. |
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